So it's been about 9 1/2 months since anything of substance landed here, and at the time I guess no one had a clue.
I suppose it's safe to say that finally, at this point, and after everything else, I can show my face here again. Vulnerability is a bit hard to come by these days, but with the continued help of some old friends (and a few new ones) I'm making my way. Those who know me well know where I am and where I am not ... and now the rest of you are wondering. I'm still locked up tight, but the walls of this vault are starting to look more like a cardboard box, and I know that it's only a matter of time before I'm free to be me again . . . free to be the B that I haven't been for many years. Resurgence is in the air and I believe that the best is yet to come.
I have run through 4 pairs of shoes
I have climbed a mountain
I have sworn . . . . at basically everyone (yes, probably even you at some point)
I have cried
I have screamed
I have painted
I have played
I have seen the very best and worst of myself
I have learned to stand up for myself
This is an annotated list.
And now I am ready for what is next. Tomorrow morning I'm running this guy. I'm a little excited about exposing the remaining demons, and then running their asses into the ground (or mud as the case may be). It's supposed to rain, and I think that will make it even better.
F*$% you Jobu, I'll do it myself.
Is there room in me for grace? And for patience? I don't discount the value, but I'm feeling a little selfish right now, and I guess I'm tired of being graceful, and patient. I seem to be a little short on tolerance, but then, I've always been willing to stand back and watch people implode with a kind smile on my face. Am I gracious because I don't speak up? Or am I a coward who can't dictate enough substance to alter what is going on around me? Or do I just find myself in the wrong place at the wrong time?
There is room in me for grace, and for patience. Those spaces are not dictated by circumstance, but by people. As my community grows, and the circle of people who care for me increases, so does my capacity for love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, gentleness and self-control. As much as I hate to admit it, the strength of the Spirit is drawn from the presence of community, and not by some advanced level of perception, logic, or knowledge. I find myself low amongst them, with much to learn.
Am I back? Who knows? But at least I'm breathing, and today at least, I'm standing up straight and showing my face.